i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
