i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
