Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
