Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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