i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
