Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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