so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
