i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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