so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
