i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
