She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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