I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
