Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
