I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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