There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
