Im at strip club and am horny
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
