you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
