hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
