Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
did i just pee glitter
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
