god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
