I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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