God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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