The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
