she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
