We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
