Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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