i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
