I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
