Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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