i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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