There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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