don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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