You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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