i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
