doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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