walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
