I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
