The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
