my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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