i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
