he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
