either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Let's get the cat blown out
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
