I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
