Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
