I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
