Tell her she can't have a vagina
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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