yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
