my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
