I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
