I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
