her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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